Monday, October 31, 2005

Fergie ain't got nothin' on me.

That's right. My lady lumps are way lovlier than our favorite Black Eyed Peas songbird's.

So in an effort to revive my blog that I so dutifully started at the beginning of college, I'm going to talk about a topic that means an awful lot to me: celebrity gossip. Everyday when I start up the internet, I look at my favorite gossip sites: Dlisted, The Superficial, Truth, Beauty, Love, and Elisa. Hilarious. I love seeing celebrities and their crazy hang-ups. I love reading about who dumped who and whose nose is full of blow this week. And then I think about how much I want people to read my blog, and if I want them to read my blog, I should write something on it. Anyway.

So today I was thinking, it's time to restart the ol' blog! The one I abandoned after a week, with nothing on it except me whining incessantly about hurricane Katrina. I deleted that post, because it really is only incessant whining. But what do I have to write about? I racked my brains and realized, CELEBRITY GOSSIP!!! I love it! Ali told me to maybe examine pop culture along with it, but really, I don't know much about it. I only know what the gossip tells me, and "My Humps". I love that song.

Then I started thinking, why do I love celebrity gossip? I don't know celebrities. I don't particularly care about celebrities. I actively hate some of them, like Mischa Barton. She is the Keds girl, and I want to be the Keds girl. I don't want to pay $30 for my Keds. FUCK YOU, Mischa. I would be a much better Keds girl. But I digress.

Celebrity gossip is just like gossip in high school. It's mean, it's catty, and it's designed to hurt somebody's feelings. Sure, maybe celebrities are asking for it by putting themselves on a pedestal, but I know if I were a celebrity, I would steer clear of the internet. My self esteem would probably be shot to hell if some of those things were written about me. Therein lies a beautiful thing. I can gossip to my hearts content, I can say terribly mean things, I can laugh at even meaner things, and I know that I won't look over my shoulder and find Fergie crying because I laughed at how dumb the phrase "lovely lady lumps" is. It is guilt-free for me, even though it probably shouldn't be. I don't have to worry about it getting back to the person, I don't feel bad for spreading public knowledge, and it gives me an unfeeling scapegoat for any scathing remarks. A personal assistant won't whisper in Brit Brit's ear, "Uh, ma'am? Rachel K said you married a dumbass."

And that is why I love celebrity gossip. And a bunch of people who devote blogs to it are often hilarious, and I love to laugh.